Merry-Go-Round

Saturday night was our first party at our little apartment in North Beach! And, it was a success! Or, I'd like to think so, based on the thank you texts I received today and my hangover from hell.

A few of my friends, a few of my room mates' friends, and B came for an evening of drunken merriment. We even did a white elephant gift exchange. And, after the party was getting too rowdy for our apartment we headed to a 'wee' pub down the street. (you can thank my Canadian room mate for that)

It had been a rough week for B and me. Both of us have been exhausted, sick, and stressed beyond our capabilities, and we hadn't seen each other all week. It was a huge relief that he didn't freak out at the party (where people kept calling him my boyfriend!), and that a few of my friends told me today how much they liked him...and his homemade beer.

We spent the rest of today together, and I'm looking forward to New Year's Eve. I found a dress, he won't have work, and we won't have seen each other in ten days! I hope we make it to the party...ok, I hope we make it to midnight. All the sweet nothings he's been whispering in my ears must be getting to my head...it's either that or the eggnog.

Melting...Like Butta

Thursday evening I had what was the inevitable first break down of the semester. I was stressed with finals, lack of room mate respect, the anticipation of cooking B dinner, and other philosophical questions such as 'what is fulfillment?,' 'do I have a purpose?,' and 'will I ever be creative and making money?'

(By the way, if anyone does have answers to these questions, please post them as soon as possible!)

I wasn't fully over the shock to my emotional system when B arrived last night. My cooking performance, taking a total of 2 hours, should have been showcased on youtube as 'The Domestically Challenged.'

We sat down to eat, and 2 of the 3 dishes came out decently well. I was pretty unhappy with the the main course, but B seemed pleased...or, did a good job faking it. We both commiserated over stresses and our strong desire for a little R&R. I cleaned up dessert, and it wasn't long before we were standing under the mistle toe...

I won't get into the rest of the 'barf worthy' evening. But, you could say we are a bit more than casual...and, B promised he's in it for real this time. To leave you all with a little vomit in your mouths...

'This is the best night I've had in a very, very long time.' - B

Holiday Cheer

You know why I love this time of year?

Drinking and Merriment.

Last night B and I took a break from our stressful, pre-vacation, cram sessions to enjoy the festive quality in the air and each other. We walked to the Fillmore, where we dined at a small pub lavishly clad in Christmas decorations and Santa-con participants. Afterwards, we went to see Black Swan, which I highly recommend. Nothing screams Christmas more than hot cocoa, spiked with peppermint schnopps, and a movie about ballerinas!

After the movie we ended up walking all the way back to my apartment, which is not close at all, especially with two huge hills in between. When we finally made it, I grabbed a bottle of wine and we headed back out to the treacherous stairs at the end of my street. Once seated, relaxed, and drinking wine from the bottle we both stared at the luminous skyline.

An hour or so later, we were tired, but after everything that's happened between us, I wasn't ready for him to stay the night. So, as I was leaving him to walk down the stairs, he finally pulled me in for a kiss. Standing in the middle of the street we kissed...and kissed...and kissed. And then we just stood there with our arms wrapped around each other. Finally, we unfurled and said good night.

As I went scampering down the steps back to my apartment my knees were crumbling beneath me. There isn't any better feeling than weak knees, butterflies in your stomach, aching at your groin, and roughly, chapped lips. Sigh.

This year, all I want for Christmas is B.

Bridget Jones Aint Got Nothin On Me

Nobody said the magic words...

'I like you, just the way you are.'

But, it was close enough. Ok, it wasn't close at all, but I'll take it!

After asking me about my New Years plans, B proposed I come with him. In response to my disclaimer on the price of the tickets he said...

'As a bday/xmas gift, I can definitely cover the cost for us getting in (if you wanna make dinner some time, we'll call it square).'

Instead of Mr. Darcy, perhaps I should start calling him Big?

How easy for him to just write off the cost for two very expensive New Year's Eve tickets?! And, how lucky for me?! This is the most expensive gift I've ever received from a gentle-fellow, especially one whom I'm supposedly only 'casually' dating. The feminist inside is having trouble swallowing her ego. But, at least he's giving me an opportunity to kill him with a meal cooked by yours truly?!

And, just when 'Mr. I don't want a relationship' starts acting interested, guess who else does?

Yep, the ex.

Haven't we already done this?

This time I had to hear it, so I choked down my pride and asked why he was contacting me.

'Because he wants to know I am doing well and happy.'

Huh? Funny he didn't care about me when my life was up in flames? And, equally interesting that he mentioned talking to people about me, my work, and my whereabouts. I have not and may not ever reciprocate.

I was surprisingly numb to the entire experience and perhaps it is in part because of my current beau. But, if we are to take B out of the equation, perhaps it is more about my growth as a lover, artist and friend over the last 2 years. I love the reflection time at the end of the year, especially when it starts feeling like everything, in the end, may pay off.

Yes, We're Going To A Party Party!

Friday night my parentals, sister, and I celebrated my birth with drinks at Cure and dinner at Patois. An absinthe and gin cocktail plus moules frites at dinner put me over the edge! Bliss.

The third food coma of my vacation ensued shortly there after.

Saturday was the real party! Innocently enough I happen to mention to 20, or so, people that I'd be going out for my birthday. I wasn't expecting to actually see more than about 5. Apparently my birthday was just a great excuse for a mini-high-school reunion and bar crawl. Needless to say, I saw way too many people, drank way too much alcohol, and stayed out way past my bedtime...in other words, I had a great night!

Turkey Baby

The pie turned out pretty tasty!

I can't really say the same for the dinner conversation. Another year, and, despite my improved attitude there is little hope for a normal thanksgiving in my house. Or, maybe it is normal, since none of us get along?

My puppy, who thinks I'm her litter-mate (judging by her reaction to me at the airport), has been my saving grace. She was without a doubt the most pleased to see me, and has kept me occupied, allowing me to stay out of as much drama, as possible.

Tomorrow's my birthday and the only hype I'm gearing up for is a celebration with my friends on Saturday night. Hopefully the last few months have been an indication of a better year ahead. And, I'm thankful for another year with my grandmother, living in a beautiful city, a beau in my life, amazing friends, and the independence to live my life in the happiest way I can.

MANipulation (the saga continues)

After playing it cool for a few days I did what every friend told me not to do, and thank goodness I did. I agreed to meet B for a drink.

Thursday night we met around 9 at a place aptly called La Trappe. I was bursting with confidence, repeating a mantra of 'What do I want? What do I expect? What can I compromise?,' and tottering around in my 3 inch heels.

B was there when I arrived and we headed downstairs to the trendier part of the restaurant and bar. There was a quick apology about Sunday from B, after we sat down. But, I knew he hadn't eaten dinner yet and felt a little on edge myself. I decided to see where the conversation went and breech the confrontational part after at least half my drink. We ordered beers from the vast Belgian beer selection, fries, and B got a beer-braised rabbit stew.

It took a very long time for our food to arrive, but we were having great conversation. I haven't laughed that hard in a while. So, one beer turned to two, and by the time the check came I was ready to lay it all on the table.

First I tackled the Sunday situation. It turns out he had no intention of messing with me, he's just an idiot. He informed me that in the future he'd rather I call straight away to save confusion, grief, and honesty. Then we moved on to what was going on between us, and where it is going. Apparently B has never casually dated. So, we came up with our definition of what we expect from one another and how we are going to work it. How very adult? The best part of the discussion came when B said, '...You deserve a lot of attention, I know I can't give you that right now, and I don't want to hurt you.' (music to my ears)

Our treaty states that 'we will see each other every other week (although more often is always welcome, just not required), we will talk at least once a week, when we have an issue, or want to change the terms, we immediately speak up, and we are free to date other people.' The best part is that I have a guaranteed date with someone I really enjoy, the freedoms of single girl life, and knowing that regardless the two of us will be friends.

I was weak in the knees by the end of the evening. B looked especially handsome, we were both fairly intoxicated, and when he left it was just a kiss on the cheek. But, I'm pretty sure I started to melt. I've decided he doesn't mean harm; he's just really clueless sometimes. And, when I wake up the next morning to a text telling me what a good time he had, too, I know I'm not imagining everything.

Curve Ball

So I'm officially no longer living in Black & White or Color...IT IS GRAY!!! 7 shades of gray according to my drawing scales.

I just received a text from B.

Is this guy kidding?!!!

Buddy, Save the Drama for ya Mama. This chic can NOT handle this.

Since when did boys become more complicated than girls?!!!

Where In The World Did My Mojo Go?

So, I'm home from a long day in Berkeley. It was a hot day as we made our way through campus and town. Much like Bloomington there is a main street with stores, restaurants, and hipply clad college students. We saw the exhibit which turned out to be sort of a bust, but then again it was free...

The main purpose of the expedition was to see photographs of the Beatles from 'Mad Day Out.' Turns out there were about 20 photographs. They were really interesting shots, and while there weren't many; they said so much about each Beatle individually. We practically broke into the building to see them, so it was reward enough even though there were few.

Aside from today, I had drinks last night and was supposed to hear from B about a possible rendez-vous tonight. I obviously did not. If he didn't want to see me, why not just say so?! I don't plan on contacting him in the near future, so consequentially guess that is over. I would love an explanation or closure, but that probably requires balls he doesn't have.

So, I'm back on the shelf with all the other goodies. Only lately I don't feel myself. My happy-go-lucky man getting powers seem to have disappeared along with B's interest in me. Should I go around taking bizarre pictures of myself like the Beatles? How did Stella get her groove back? And, if not how...when?

Whirlwind of a Week

Basic recap of the following week:

More confusion after not hearing from B.

Canadian visitor Monday and Tuesday.

Dinner with Canadian visitor and room mate at Flora in the Fillmore.

Got sick.

Broke down and texted B.

Slept.

Trying to be patient. (Found my New Year's Resolution)

Slept some more.

Feeling a little better.

Looking forward to my 1st trip to Berkeley tomorrow!

Dazed & Confused

Wednesday night was the reunion with B.

He picked me up, he bought me a drink, and he took me home...all things that would imply 'date' to anyone normal. But, he never mentioned what happened 2 weeks ago, or what is going to happen in the future?!

What he did mention was that he brewed some beer for me to try, wants to take me surfing again, and that he's been transferred to the San Fran office for Fridays every week(meaning 2 hours of commute eliminated once a week).

The evening ended when he dropped me off at home, with only the suggestion that I let him know when I am free next, an awkward hug, and that it was great to see me.

What the HELL does this all mean?!

I'm just as much in the dark now, as ever!

Calling All Saints

I'm going to need their help this November, both the NFL team and

the ethereal beings of another world.

In the mean time, enjoy the pictures from this weekend.

(Notice the orange balloons for both Halloween and the Giants)

(St. Peter and Paul Cathedral...the address is 666)

I like this building, because it reminds me of the Disney mirrors from

Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs and Beauty and the Beast.

I wonder what Alfred Hitchcock would think?

And, for no other reason than I get to live here,

even on the rainy days.

The Hills Of San Francisco

In case you do not know, it is really hill-y here. It's been great for getting me into shape, would be dangerous in an ice storm, and seems to be the direction my life has turned (that being both downhill and uphill, at the same time).

Today I received word on the grant. I did not get it. I'm let down, but looking at some of the winners I can see why I didn't win

(note: some...NOT all).

I guess the security in paying back my grad school loans and getting my foot in the door is going to have to wait.

The uphill portion of my week includes a drink with one of my best college friends tonight. Her timing couldn't be better

(mid-break-up(?) and the night of some bad news).

I wish I was in a better mood, so I could show her a good time. All I really feel like doing is curling up in a ball to sleep the week away...

Spooked

After a weekend of internalizing the B situation, hanging out with class mates, and catching up on school work, I'm feeling a little better about myself. Remembering I can survive all on my own is becoming easier and feels pretty good. I think I am growing up!! Scary!

Friday night had me pretty freaked out, but B and I came to a compromise. We are going to give it a slower, more casual, shot in a little over a week. We have a date set for the night the band (we met at) is playing.

The best news is that I'm not the reason B is spooked. It seems the last year I took learning all about myself, is actually what he's in the middle of now. I hope he can figure out what's important soon. I like him enough to wait...but, I'm just not sure how long.

Untitled

The honeymoon just ended...

B basically broke up with me.

He's taking the weekend to discover whether he has time to spend with someone on a regular basis, or not. I really like him, so while we haven't known each other long, I am pretty upset.

In an email entitled by my own mother:

Frogs: We have to kiss a lot of them.

B is home this weekend, actually called me from the airport with the bad news. M & T helped analyze the situation for me, but the outcome does not look good.

I guess the San Francisco fall gloom has officially set in. With school becoming tougher, a part time job started, and a lover...something's gotta give, right?

Worn Blogger, Wanton Sex Goddess

I may not be the one with the 'super powers,' but I deserve at least 1/2 of the credit. It does take two to tango, as they say...

Another night of un-godly pleasures. This man is un-freaking-believable. I can't give him all the credit, though. I mean I have been studying up on my 77 sex moves (thanks Cosmo blog), for I dunno....like a year?!

B leaves for a weekend at home tomorrow, so I'm glad we could fit a little play time into our busy schedules. And, besides literally opening up, he also did some of the figurative kind, too. No matter how ungirly I try to be, the honesty just makes me weak in the knees. I think I'll miss him this weekend, but let's face it...My ladybits need a rest!

Cloudy With A Chance of Happiness

Today is the first day of the rainy season. A mist of sprinkles surrounds the cloudy San Francisco skyline, but it's sunny and warm in my soul.

Living with two guys (despite their sexual preferences) is wearing on me, especially when I come home to a sink full of dishes everyday. So, after a mild expression of my frustrations Friday, B took me out, away from my troubles at home.

We wined and dined together, even running into my friend L, who I had dinner with the night before. We spent the night together, and the next morning, post-grocery run, B made me breakfast. I rushed off to a yoga class and continued my afternoon in a superior, productive mood.

Later that evening I met up with B and a few of his friends. I enjoyed meeting two of the musicians from the previous weekend's jazz ensemble and experienced a very drunk B for the first time....Not sure how much I loved that, but I'm sure I'm not a whole lot better. I stayed over again, because for now our time together is only weekends, and next weekend he'll be home.

We woke up, got bagels, and went for a long walk in the dreary Sunday, stay-all-day-in-bed weather. As we talked about my dream dog (I saw one earlier in the week) and the beautiful Victorian homes we'd like to own one day, I realized just how much I like this guy. I can verify he likes me back, but now the challenge is making these feelings last.

Hope the rain doesn't wash it all away, but for now my feelings are here to stay...

Love Is In The Air

I'm going through each day's malaise daydreaming about B. I told him we need to take it slow, but I think I like him a lot...uh, oh. I'm in trouble.

8 Degrees of Seperation

On Friday night B came over. After a bottle of wine, some cheese, conversation, and a movie there is no longer a debate on whether he likes me, we're dating, or his junk size. B and I enjoyed a pretty sleepless night together...literally breaking my bed.

Saturday we both had friends in town, so he left, and I worked on making myself presentable. My friends were actually two guys from my ex's band and one of their friends. One of the two guys is the person who introduced me to B and lives in Berkley. I showed them around, and then we grabbed beers and burgers down the street from my apartment. I brought them to my favorite cliff for a view, and then they came over for more drinks. It wasn't until B showed up two hours later that things got awkward.

My room mates, guests, B, and I were just hanging around drinking. I could tell B was a little uncomfortable. We left shortly after he arrived for a bar in the mission. At the bar we met up with a bunch of their friends(Their, in this case meaning B and my friends from out of town). It turns out even in SF, everyone knows everyone. It was at this point in the night, B decided to confront me...

He started just asking how I knew them, and before long my entire ex-saga was out on the table. Humiliated, I sat there and drank my beer. B pretended to let it roll off, but I know it was bothering him.

We went to their friend's jazz gig down the street, ate some mexican, and then headed home. Well, I headed to B's. We spent another night together, attempting actual sleep this time.

This morning he brought up the whole ex thing again. I'm not exactly sure what he's so curious about, but I'm not positive I'm ready for him to know so much. It's all getting so serious so fast. And, now that he's made some of the connections, I'm worried what he'll think of me.

I really like B. He treats me well. He's smart. He's attractive. A total nerd. And, he's humble. I'm just terrified of getting hurt again, and I'm not ready for a future husband.

Pearls of Wisdom

I had a mini melt down today, and as always my mom was there...thousands of miles away...listening.

Sometimes her idea of listening is closer to an inquisitive devil's advocate. But, today she understood. I'm not going into my personal problems, because they are trivial in the larger scheme of life. But, this is what she had to say:

'The only constant in life is that it keeps changing.'

I'm not convinced she was the first person to say this. It had to be Plato, Einstein, or somebody, right?! But, there is so much truth in these words.

My life has changed so much every day, for what seems like years. And, as I grow up (despite all my efforts to remain faithful to Peter Pan and the Lost Boys) it becomes more clear. It is up to me to keep up with life, life is not keeping up with me...it's leading the way, along a path, that one day ends.